Issue 2.0: Meet the new birds!

[This is a classified Birdbath interview that was leaked by unknown source, just a couple hours ago.]

Lucas, part one

Birdbath: So Lucas, what’s your deal?

Lucas: My deal is um, that we got a mouse in the house.

Bb: What kind of mouse? What kind of house?

L: It’s uhh, it’s a Whitman owned house. And you know, you’d think that you wouldn’t have animal troubles but, we got a little pet mouse that’s been running around for a couple months now, traps not working. It’s not fun.

Bb: How do you think this is going to influence your first Birdbath issue?

L: You know I think, my vengeance towards this mouth—mouth? Mouse. Has really channeled my inner bird, and so I think I’m gonna write a really good Birdbath article. I’m gonna really become the bird that I was meant to be, and flutter away.

Riley, part one

Bb: Riley, what’s your deal?

Riley: I’m just here, I’m late today.

Bb: What sort of social pressure do you think you’re under right now?

R: Social pressure? I’m not sure about any social pressure. I do have a few grants for my internship due today, so I do feel some pressure about that.

Bb: I think you should be feeling some social pressure right now.

Ian (to Riley): Yep, tad social pressure.

R: Are you guys going to impose social pressure?

Bb: I thought we were, but I guess it’s not working.

I: I guess we’re going to have to stare at you aggressively.

R: Oh.

Ian, part one

Bb: Ian, what’s your deal?

I: My deal is that I thought I’d come up with something funny as an answer to this and then I completely forgot it all, so I’m just sort of talking nonsensically right now.

Bb: It happens.

I: I’m a Birdbath man. Half bird, half bath, half man.

Birdbath, part one

R: How about this, everyone describes themselves in three words.

I: Okay.

L: Ok.

Bb: O.K.

I: I’ll go first: Bird. Bath. Man.

L: Dragon. Pizza. Man.

Bb: Riley, how would you describe yourself in three words?

R: Like in the moment or generally?

I: I think that’s more than three words.

R: No… that’s terrible.

L: At the moment.

R: “Hip surgery horses.”

I: Awesome. Can horses get hip surgery?

R: I think so.

L: Like, why not? I’m gonna keep my mouth shut.

R: Horses see dentists.

I: They do, like the TikTok videos where they trim the toes—have you seen those?

L: Oh, yeah.

R: The only TikToks I see are the ones my mom sends me.

L: Or like the ones where it’s the sheep that haven’t been sheared in years, and so they have to cut all the knots out of them.

I: That should be our first Birdbath issue.

L: Yeah. What’s your favorite TikTok?

I: I like the one where Joe Biden says soda. It’s just him saying soda… We’re going to have to cut so fucking much.

L: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

R: Do we want to start over?

Ian, part two

Bb: Ian, I heard you dressed up like a clown and sat on Ankeny. Can you tell us a little bit more about what was behind that experience?

I: You know, I just think that there’s something wrong with me deep down, and it can only be fixed by dressing up like a clown and sitting on Ankeny. And also I thought it was funny.

Bb:: Exciting.

I: And that’s why I’m in Birdbath today.

Bb: What else do you like besides dressing up like clowns?

I: I think…I like to watch movies, writing about movies, and I like submitting to Birdbath, which everyone who is reading this should do.

Bb: Nice.

L (to Bb): Agreed.

Bb: Do you do anything else?

I: I bought a five-pound bag of peanuts recently, so I’m gonna start working through…I’m lying, I already finished that bag. I’m gonna buy more. I’m gonna buy more five pound bags of peanuts. And this is just—that’s how my week’s gonna go.

Bb: Do you just really like peanuts? Or is this ironic?

I: I think both.

Lucas, part two

Bb: Lucas, what do you like to do?

L: I also like submitting to Birdbath; it’s one of my passions, actually. You know, I didn’t know whatI wanted to do with my life, but Birdbath came along as an opportunity. But besides that, because it takes so much time out of my life, watching…anything. Consuming media, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube.

Bb: Getting that content in you.

L: Absolutely. They say the world is a content machine—well I’m the content consuming machine. And I’m hoping it helps me become a content machine. I become the content.

Bb: So what do you fear?

L: Dying alone?

R: Guys, this is terrible.

I: Birdbath.

L: Birdbath.

I (again): Birdbath.

L: I mean, in reality I think it’s…not leaving anything significant.

Bb: And that’s why you’re submitting to Birdbath.

L: Exactly.

Riley, part two

Bb: Riley, what do you like to do?

R: I like to read, I like to run, and I like to ride horses, and I also like watching movies.

Bb: What’s the most recent movie that you’ve seen? That you’ve enjoyed.

R: Well last night I watched the new Wes Anderson, I don’t know if you would call it a movie.

Bb: The shorts?

R: Yeah, the shorts, and I thought that was really good. I liked how it kinda felt like an audiobook that was reimagined.

Bb: I’m gonna have to check it out tonight.

Lucas, part three

Bb: Who’s your favorite director?

L: I’m a pretty big Christopher Nolan fan.

Bb: Nice.

L: Inception and Memento are my top two favorite movies. I enjoyed Oppenheimer. I’ve yet to see Tenet, but also I don’t plan to see it, cause I haven’t heard good things about it. That’s, like, the only director that I recognize. Good old Chris.

I: Good ol’ Chris.

Ian, part three

Bb: What are you excited about in the next movie you’re making?

I: Oh, shit, I’m making a movie. And that’s cool to do—I’m really excited about writing dialogue, and you know getting to shoot things more, I guess, in filmmaking, which in many ways, is an FMS thing.

Bb: Do you know anything else that is FMS related?

I: I think Birdbath, the FMS publication. And FMS stands for many things—politically, socially.

Riley, part three

Bb: What movie are you most anticipating?

R: Priscilla.

I: I cannot fucking wait for Priscilla. If only there was some publication that we could submit writings about Priscilla to.

L: I think I know one.

I: Really?! What?!

Bb: ME!!

I: Wow, what’s one thing we should do soon on the date… the 18th? Is it the 18th?

L: Yes. Woah, it is the 18th.

I: What should we do then?

R: Submit to Birdbath!

[Everyone applauds.]

Submissions for issue 2.1 of Birdbath are due by 11:59 PM on Wednesday, October 18th, 2023. You can submit (or ask questions!) at birdbathpub@gmail.com.